3/31/12-4/10/12

3-31-12
Just a couple of observations/situations that I couldn’t help but think were interesting and telling…
The first, I have noticed a couple of times: when we go into our bank, Fonkoze...in a couple of places on the wall there is a tattered piece of paper taped there…I didn’t pay attention to it at first, but then one time I started reading it…it is instructions on how to bury someone who died from cholera. It describes how one must put the body in a plastic bag, and also stuff all of the orifices with something. It gives examples of orifices that would need to be stuffed: ears, mouth, butt…
This is just taped nonchalantly on the wall at the bank, in front of the tellers…on a tattered, faded, typed page…
Interesting and sad…that cholera is so common still that they have to put up signs at banks explaining how one should bury their dead…
Today, we went to the photocopy place…a very interesting place, each time I go…I have been going a lot recently because I was making copies and handouts for a class I will be teaching sometime soon at Help Nursing School in Leogone, on neonatal resuscitation…so, anyway, each time I go, it is an interesting experience, culturally—even something so small as going to a photocopy place here is quite different than in the US, and you see those differences clearly…you have to go with a lot of time on your hands…no one is in a hurry, and in a way this is good because the people working there, they focus on one task at a time without getting stressed out about all the people waiting—no running around frantically multitasking. So, it is always like this—people are having conversations while they make the copies—there are lots of pauses in the work…that’s fine. What was funny today was that when I arrived, the place was packed! Blade went with me…we soon saw that the reason it was packed, was that people had gone there to watch the soccer match…they have a TV there…so people were standing at the counter and sitting on boxes of paper—crowded in—watching the game—not only watching, but having animated conversations across the room about the game and the players…a group conversation…really fun. The guy who was scanning my papers for me was also watching the game…so, starting and stopping with the scanning….it’s just such a good lesson in being relaxed! It’s so easy in the US to get so caught up in being busy and multitasking all the time, and being as efficient with our time as possible…always on to the next project…
Here, you have to take a step back, relax, and slow down…

The past few days, I have been super busy (and enjoying it) basically organizing my stuff into different categories and packing for Port au Prince. I am trying to get all my papers for MSF in order as well…hence the scanning of forms today…it’s been busy but good…
Blada and I are doing great…both mentally preparing for our upcoming separation…we both feel that this is the right move for us right now…I can’t pass this up with MSF, it’s such an amazing opportunity (to he hired in-country for a specific position). I probably cry about 4 times a day when I think about not living with him…about being separated from him…it has been such a blessing having our little house in Jacmel…living together, having privacy (we have been living together since summer 2010 but not with privacy)…having our little kitchen…it has been a huge blessing, and was totally facilitated by our friend Sarah, whose clinic and house are on the same compound as our house…thanks to her we got the house, and have internet, water and electricity…
Anyway, this will be a new chapter for us…we will each be learning things on our own this year…
Blada is going to be living mostly in Ti Trou, with Mackenzy and Kirsty…Kirsty recently returned from Canada with their 2-month old baby…they are still building their house and Mackenzy has massive gardens that he maintains and sells produce from…so, Blada will be learning agronomy with Mackenzy….
We are also buying a little piece of land, right in front of Kirsty & Mackenzy…so, this year, Blada will be working on our land, planting trees especially….
Currently the land is treeless…well it does have one tree, which Blada thinks is an olive tree…apparently olive tree leaves are very nutritious…
He will be planting mango, cashew, almond, papaya, soursap, breadfruit, orange…things like this.
So, there is a lot of work to be done…and a lot of skills to be learned….

4-5-12
This is my last week in Jacmel before moving to Port au Prince and starting my new life, working with MSF. I have been savoring all of the little aspects of daily life in Haiti as well as aspects of personal freedom that I know I won’t have after I start working.

We went to a beautiful beach a couple of days ago…oh, it was just so so beautiful…the water, the mountains in the background…I spent hours collecting rocks to bring to our land in Ti Trou (which doesn’t have round rocks—only sharp rocks) to one day do a project…
I have made hot chocolate with local cacao a couple of times this week…and sat there are grated coconut to make coconut milk to put in…like gathering the rocks, I felt no hurry, just a peace of mind, knowing that I can spend my last days here doing even the most tedious or slow of tasks and that it’s okay…there’s no rush for anything…there is time for everything…

4-10-12
Well…I am starting my life with MSF in 4 days. It’s hard to believe even though I know that it is about to happen and it makes sense. It feels kind of like a dream, like an idea, that is a good idea and will be amazing, but perhaps will never materialize. Saturday the 14th, Blada is going to escort me to Port au Prince, to the house where I will be living with other expats. Shortly after arriving I will be taken to a different MSF place-an office I guess—where I will spend the next 2 days having briefings about the project, security, etc.
I have been enjoying the slowness of my life here, in Jacmel…making good food…we are making bouyon today—it is a kind of soup—
I have been making hot chocolate with the local cacao…and grating coconut to make coconut milk to add to the cacao…oh, it is so amazing…an energizing drink with lots of good fat from the cacao and coconut…I have been doing things like this, while reading documents sent to me by MSF and preparing myself and packing…

I was reading one of their documents yesterday—a briefing document about Haiti—its history, politics, health situation, etc. I started thinking about what it was like working in HInche, at the public hospital there…the beautiful things and the heartbreaking things…the stark reality of being grossly, unimaginably understocked, understaffed…all of the severe and classic manifestations of disease that you see in settings where people have had no access to any kind of preventative healthcare, for their whole lives…
I started thinking about this one woman, who I will never forget…she was around 20 years old, in her second pregnancy…28 weeks (7 months) pregnant. She had severe preeclampsia, with really high B/P, facial swelling, protein in her urine, etc. I was talking to her, explaining to her why our only choice right now was to induce her labor and cause her to give birth—to a 7-month baby who will definetly not live. But that if we didn’t do this, she was only going to get sicker, would probably end up having eclamptic seizures, and could die. Women dying from eclampsia was commonplace at St Therese hospital.
Well, this woman, she was willing to make this choice to save her own life, but she was so torn and so sad, because she wanted to have a baby so badly. She was attached to this baby already and from time to time kept saying how she could feel the baby moving in her belly. She was wavering between the logic of saving her own life and the feelings and love she had already developed towards this baby. Then she started saying, “Why am I incapable of having a baby? I just want to have a baby.“—In her last pregnancy, the same things had happened: she was preeclamptic and lost her pregnancy around 7 months.
This experience of sitting with her through her grief and acceptance of the need to save her own life by getting rid of the pregnancy was heartbreaking for me. I cried and cried yesterday as I remembered this. The choices women have to make here…she had 2 options, and either one of them entailed either herself or her baby dying. There were no special (routine in any 1st world country) tests to give us an idea of how severe her preeclampsia really was—we had to rely on gross evaluation of her outward symptoms. There was nowhere we could send her that would most likely be able to save her 7-month baby. There was no system to transport someone like her in case there was a place to send her.
Now that I know of the MSF hospital where I will be working, I know that if we had been able to get her there, they most likely would have been able to save her premature baby.

Peoples’ lives are so hard. You see it in so many children…stress. They are not carefree and innocent. They are hungry. They carry water everyday. They sell gum in the street instead of going to school. They work as indentured servants.

Blada and I were in the market the other day (where people sell produce, clothing etc. on the street), and it hit me that I will miss going to the market…the experience of it is a microcosm of Haiti in some ways…it is so interesting….going with him is interesting too because of the etiquette he has while buying, which I have not quite mastered…there is an etiquette of buyers and sellers…a lot of bluffing while debating on prices…arguing, debating the price or quantity, walking away if not satisfied, getting called back, buying the thing at the price you wanted…
Flies everywhere…meat sitting out all day (people have a special way of washing meat here which neutralizes the fact that it was sitting out all day with flies on it)
As we were leaving, we were looking at sunglasses and for like 10 minutes could hear this guy who sounded really annoyed, speaking in English…demanding to buy something for 5 dollars. After like 10 minutes or 15 minutes, we ended up standing right next to him and I realized what was happening...he was being SO RUDE to the merchant…speaking in English, demanding to buy a watch for $5, and then demanding that the merchant GIVE HIM CHANGE IN US DOLLARS. He is standing there, arguing with the merchant, who is doing his best to communicate with this person who is practically yelling at him, in a language he doesn’t even speak. I decided to try and help. When I got close, I saw that the guy who was being super rude and disrespectful was someone with a UN uniform. Oh, big surprise. It all fell into place. He was from somewhere like Sri Lanka or Nepal. Yelling his broken English at this poor merchant. Many if not most of the UN soldiers here, they feel completely entitled—to everything. You can see it manifested in all kinds of circumstances. Anyway, I tried to explain to this guy that the merchant DOESN”T HAVE change in US dollars. It should have been so obvious to him. But it wasn’t.
Many people here feel that they are living under an occupation. To top it off, there have been child rapes ( Blada even knows of a boy this happened to in Hinche---his parents had to take him out of school because people constantly tease and taunt him, calling him “Madanm Minusta”---
Then as we are walking away from the market, we see this group of white people, who obviously are going to the market for a purely touristic and voyaristic experience…one of them has a big nice camera around her neck…I should have said something to them…who do people think they are, just walking in and taking pictures of people as they go through the motions of their daily lives…without even asking permission? Even if they did ask permission, as I used to see in HInche with the short-term volunteers who wanted to take pictures of patients they had helped, THERE IS A HUGE POWER DIFFERENTIAL that exists, and many people will not feel EMPOWERED TO SAY NO. This is such a basic reality—yet people walk into Haiti so blind to it.

So…I feel optimistic about this year, about working in Port au Prince with MSF…I am so thankful, so so so thankful for this opportunity…it is amazing that this was possible…
Any situation, any blessing, always entails sacrifice. I have been immersed in midwifery since 2003, and consequently have had to live apart from my family for the past 9 years. I have learned so much and grown so much as a midwife, and am so thankful that this path was possible for me to embark upon. Likewise, working with MSF is a huge blessing, that entails a huge sacrifice: living apart from Blada. I know that this is going to be really hard for me.
My beacon of light, my hope, is the vision of obtaining our fiancé visa without problems, and moving to NC in the spring of 2013, and being reunited with my family and community there, while also finally being able to start a family of our own. This is the goal. There has to be a goal in order to make it through.